Toddler Tantrums, Meltdowns, and Outbursts, Oh My!

Toddler Tantrums, Meltdowns, and Outbursts, Oh My!


Independence and Self-Control are great qualities for your child to have. By 18-24 months, you’ll see these skills blossoming as he learns to follow routines and has better patience. As he matures into his two’s, your child will become better and better at Cooperation and following verbal directions, taking baby steps toward being able to delay his enjoyment and fun in order to do what is expected of him.

Keep in mind, however, that your toddler is still in the early stages of developing these skills. While he is more interested in playing with others by now, he may still struggle with turning taking and sharing his toys.1 He may refuse to take turns on the playground slide or share a prized doll with a playmate. And don’t be surprised if your child loses his temper and uses force against a friend that doesn’t do what he says.1 Although his anger and outbursts may be frustrating, know that it is very common for 18-24 month olds to act out and throw temper tantrums as it’s a sign of their growing independence and will.2,3

Has your child ever had a meltdown when he doesn’t get his way? It’s no surprise that parents have coined this stage the terrible two’s.At this age, your child is still quite egocentric, seeing things only from his perspective and wanting to control every aspect of his life and environment.2,6,7 A power struggle happens when his immediate need for independence and self-control comes into conflict with your priorities for safety, rules, and routines.2 And the moment he doesn’t get what he wants, either because he can’t clearly communicate his needs or the answer is just plain “no,” he will use the only tools left in his toolbox to deal with his frustration and try to get his way: holding his breath, crying, arguing, yelling, or hitting.2,8

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The good news is that toddlers who have developed strong and nurturing attachments to their trusted adults are primed to learn how to control their emotions starting at 18 months old.9 So, how you deal with your child’s tantrums is critical in helping him learn how to control his negative behaviors.3

First off, always remain calm and patient during these outbursts.1 Even though it may feel like an eternity, 75 percent of tantrums last only 1.5 to 5 minutes.8 It’s understandably hard to keep your own composure and not get frustrated and upset with your child! However, just keep in mind that you’d just be adding fuel to the fire. You are his ultimate role model, and you can count on the fact that he will follow your every move and attitude! The truth is that a negative reaction from you will not only intensify your current power struggle with him, it will also tell him that it’s all right to use anger, impatience, and stubbornness as a response rather than more positive behaviors.3

Second, resist the urge to punish your child for the meltdown. Although punishment may seem effective in the short term, it doesn’t actually teach him how to control his emotions. Nor will he see that there are more positive and effective ways to handle the situation. Instead, try discussing reasonable solutions to the problem with your child and helping him find more productive ways to communicate using his words or gestures.4 Be sure to keep your expectations low to start. Just keep repeating this process, and you’ll achieve lasting change to his behavior.

When he can’t seem to calm down, try these time-proven methods in helping to calm these sticky situations:

  • Redirection and Distraction.2 When your child is upset and unable to let go of the fight, consider redirecting, or turning, his attention to a new activity, object of interest, or environment. You can change the subject by asking him questions or suggesting you do another activity related to the task causing problems. For instance, if he throws a fit because he doesn’t want to stop playing outside to come to lunch, you can try distracting him from his temper by saying, “Your teddy bear is hungry. Do you want to join him for a picnic outside?” or “Can I give you a surprise in the kitchen?”
  • Time Outs.3,10 When redirection and distraction don’t work because your child is too worked up and upset to focus on something else, your best bet is to ignore his outburst and let him calm down on his own. Don’t think of time outs as punishments but as an opportunity for your upset toddler to get away from distractions so that he can calm down and accept your support. The rule of thumb for time outs is to give your child one minute for each year of age. And don’t forget to fully ignore him during his time alone because your attention at this time will reward him for his negative behavior, giving him reason to continue throwing tantrums in the future.

Lastly, don’t forget to praise, praise, and praise! Your child needs to hear about each and every success at this stage of development. When directions are being followed, hands are being respectful, toys are being shared, and turn-taking is being practiced, give specific verbal praise.11 Saying something like “I really like how quietly you are waiting for the show to begin” or “Thank you for giving the toy train back to Cindy” can go a long way in developing Self-Control and Cooperation skills.

Play Tips:

Do you want to know how you can support your child’s development of Self-Control skills at this age? It’s easy! Read on for some simple tips to incorporate into your daily play time together.

  1. Encourage your child to cooperate with other children.4 Help your child develop his social skills by encouraging him to play with others. Talk about the benefits of cooperation and suggest games that focus on sharing toys and taking turns with his friends. Over time, he’ll learn by practice and example how to work well with others, rather than throwing tantrums to get what he wants. And if he does occasionally lose his temper and act aggressively toward his playmates, remind him that hitting is unacceptable behavior.1 Explain to him how his actions can hurt others physically and emotionally and that it is not “nice” to act that way.
  2. Offer appropriate support when your child is upset. When your child is upset, immediately acknowledge his feelings and help him find the words to describe how he feels. This practice will help build his communication skills, reducing frustration as well as developing his Empathy for Others skills.
  3. Make things predictable for your child.2 Many of your child’s temper tantrums stem from his loss of control. To help him feel in control of his life and environment, try to make things predictable. Establish and maintain a daily routine for him to count on every day. At this age, you could even introduce a daily schedule chart that will let him actually see what’s going to happen at any given time. Also, give him fair warning (e.g. 5 minute notice) when he is expected to transition from one activity to another.
  4. Pick your battles and be clear in your own communications!2 While you need to deal with your toddler’s strong will or temper tantrums, remember that you still want to help build up his independence and self-confidence. So, offer your child real choices and decision-making opportunities over little things whenever possible. Try asking him, “Would you like to brush your teeth or put on your pajamas first?” And when things are non-negotiable, be clear that there isn’t a choice in the matter. For instance, don’t ask him “Would you like something to eat?” when he can say “yes” or “no.” If you want him to come to the dinner table, firmly let him know, “You have 5 minutes to finish up with your blocks, and then it’s time to eat dinner.”

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Developmental Milestones:

Has your baby achieved the following Self-Control and Cooperation developmental milestones yet? If yes, check off all the skill(s) she has already mastered to date using Playful Bee’s developmental milestones tracker. It’s absolutely FREE and easy to use, just click HERE!

  • Begins imitating adults’ and older children’s behaviors.
  • Shows defiant behavior (acting on what she has been told not to do).

Sources:

1Maryland State Department of Education (2010). Healthy Beginnings: Supporting Development and Learning from Birth through Three Years of Age.

2Harrington, Robert G. Temper Tantrums: Guideline for Parents. National Association of School Psychologist (NASP) Resources. Retrieved February 21, 2014, from http://www.nasponline.org/resources/behavior/tantrums_ho.aspx.

3Gellens, Suzanne R. (2013). Building Brains. St. Paul, MN: Redleaf Press.

4Pennsylvania Office of Child Development and Early Learning (2009). Pennsylvania Learning Standards for Early Childhood.

5Hoecker, Jay L. Terrible Twos: Why Are 2-Year-Olds So Difficult? Mayo Clinic. Retrieved February 21, 2014, from http://www.mayoclinic.org/terrible-twos/expert-answers/faq-20058314

6Rathus, S. A. (2011). Childhood and Adolescence: Voyages in Development. Belmont, CA: Wadsworth, Cengage Learning.

7Grace Children’s Learning Center. Stages of Social-Emotional Development in Children and Teenagers. Grace Children’s Learning Center. Retrieved February 19, 2014 from http://www.graceangels.org/docs/Social_EMotional_Dev_Stages.pdf.

8Cavanaugh, Maureen, and Heilbrunn, Sharon (2010). Are Temper Tantrums Normal? KPBS Public Broadcasting. Retrieved February 21, 2014, from http://www.kpbs.org/news/2010/jun/03/are-temper-tantrums-normal/.

9Brazelton, T. Berry, and Sparrow, Joshua D. (2006). Touchpoints: Birth to Three.Cambridge, MA: De Capo Press.

10American Academy of Pediatrics. Practice Guide: Effective Discipline. American Academy of Pediatrics. Retrieved February 19, 2014 from https://www2.aap.org/sections/scan/practicingsafety/Modules/EffectiveDiscipline/EffectiveDiscipline.pdf.

11Utah Department of Workforce Services, Office of Child Care. Utah’s Early Learning Guidelines: Birth to Age Three.

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Education Team at Playful Bee
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